Ever notice how boring and stable the lives we see in movies tend to be before a huge event or catastrophe or other such event disrupts the serenity of their lives? Although sometimes the characters will admit they are searching for something more, too often, as is mirrored in our own lives, they are unaware of the stupor in which they are living. It is not as if they are willingly apathetic, rather they have been lulled into an unwitting, undesired apathy.
No, I was not the recipient of a stroke of unluck like having a plane falling into my house, or my finding out I have cancer, or being kidnapped by terrorists. I, however, get a D- on one of my finals that I thought I did fine on, which took me from an A or an A- to at most a B. That isn't the end of the world... but to me it feels like it. Let me explain.
I often set on written goals for myself. This semester it was to do will with the crazy load of classes I had, and try to keep my relationships positive through all that. Up until finals week I was pumped because I thought I pulled it though... then I got my grades for Pentateuch. Wow. That was a surprise. I emailed my prof just to make sure there wasn't a mistake, and evidently my essays were "insufficient." Isn't that I can't get a B or I lose some scholarship or something, I'm in no danger of that, but I felt as though it was a failure, a lack of success in fulfillment of my goals. It made me want to give up on doing well ever again. That might sound ridiculous, but it did manage to give my perspective a jolt.
Looking back on my life, I realize that I can really only focus well on one thing at once. This semester it was grades/finishing period. The question that remains: what will be my next goal? What did I fail to focus on this semester? Jesus. I did great over J-term. Spring term I did not. I have no obligation to have any goal other than Jesus. The other goals will fall into place. He needs to be my number one priority. I know how cliché that sounds, but it is true.
What are my new found goals stemming from the interruption of my previous goal-fulfillment (Freud would be so proud of that word choice)? 1) to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge 2) to be filled with all the fullness of God 3) to experience the real power at work within me which is able to accomplish more than all I can ask or imagine 4) to feel genuine joy 5) to have real mutual love pouring from my hearts to the hearts of others and back, and to God, and 5) that His kingdom would come, and His will be done.
If I can do any/all of that, then 1) getting into shape 2) passing college with acceptable grades 3) doing (occupationally) something fulfilling 4) finding someone to be fulfilled with... and so on, will be accomplished in time. Not my time, but his good time.
Enough for now.
Enough for now.